life is about how u let it lead you to. the past you have is your mistakes and the future you face now is your light to shine. i did a lot of mistakes in life and no one knows what mistakes i have done, it's between me and GOD. and no one knows how it feels to be punished my HIM. i know i've sin but no one is perfect. and we are created down here in earth to fulfilled our promises to HIM. the talked or much less the advises mum and dad has given me is for a life time till i leave this world, they've gone through all during their days, and i shall do the same when i stand in their shoes. sometimes i wonder and i asked myself, what i want in life so much and what im not satisfied in myself and why im doing this to myself and others ? yes, there's always challenges and barriers to every single thing. but what actually i wanted in my life for the past 18 years of my life and going on ? that question is still a question mark to both my parents. how to since i have NO answer to that question to myself, maybe, its possible because im still too young and i'm finding the answer but how ? i still need guidance from everyone. i want a happy family in the end still and i still need someone out of family to love too. you can't change fate and to who i'll be loving. dad, you may say it's not the time yet, i'm still young, i know. but i think you know the answer. don't tell me you never fall in love when you're young. mum dad, to think twice im still far off better compared to others. i never club i never drink before. and i'm still fulfilling your wish to be a good daughter and i'm still pursuing my dreams as a student. yes, i know i did lied and that makes you pissed off by me and i did not do my part as a muslim girl. okay, i admit but somehow or rather you should maybe open up your eyes, you should be grateful to have me. i missed of how we spend times together. i've been busy working studying but never did i make you worried about my pocket money. since i've been working in topshop you never give me my pocket money. maybe you been putting aside but i didn't know. we really need a good effective long time to talk in this family. we are happy on the base but the happiness we had is not from the core. i envy other family on how they talked to each other and they spend time together. on how the children grow up with colourful people around. maybe your teaching is different. i'm just a daughter nothing else. i'm nothing to be compared to you mum dad. so whatever reasons i'm still nothing but to obey your rules and regulations. respect is a must. i know i've been your sickness all this while but i'm just blank. i didn't know what i want in life. that's my problem. i hope the one i'm in love will guide me sincerely and i prayed that i'll change for the better one if that's what you wanted always mum dad. i will and insyallah i try to. life is beautiful in every way if we were to see but the problems that we are not settling it makes life a dirt. "don't make the beautiful life pass you by." ~ avril lavinge.

ohhh, my little brother has grown up. lol. the way i dress him up like mat rep wannabe. tsk. sungguh tak perlu eh itu topi. lol. today woke up as early as 8.30am. should have slept after waking apit up. but i can't so i tossed around and played lappie for awhile and tv watching till 1pm till dad came home and ask us to get ready and taxi-ed to jurong bird park. bought the ticket way before hand at cdans and eventhough its not that "adventurous" i had fun afterall. after that went to buy my lil brother a new bike and off to bukit batok to have our dinner at *i forget the name*. and home sweet home. stucked with lappie now. i miss apit. ttssk, he's asleep now. i shall get to sleep now. goodnight readers.

" im speechless, i got nothing else to say anymore. im stoned after hearing what apit had just said. that's really enough shikin. enough of guys hurting your feelings. you have your pride , you have your dignity. you don't need a man to make you happy. you don't need him or anyone who was named as a male to live this world with you. "

alhamdulillah, apit is saved from the sentenced. if not he shall faced the bars for 6 years of his life. syukur alhamdulillah, im happy for him.

dear apit, this post is for you, i know you wouldn't read it but im just letting this feelings go for once as my memories with you. i know you have lied to me from the very first moment i get to know you, i know you faced alot of challenges in life that many people doesn't. im still wondering from where i get to know you and stuffs. but maybe GOD knows the answer. HE might want us to know each other so as to expand the problems faced by other and learn from it. little by little i fall for you NOT because of what you have or what you own but i know i need someone like you who've gone through the world with hardships so that you will guide me in future times but i think im wrong. you had someone else but maybe you're not fated together with her. i've let go my feelings too much till i didn't realised that im being a stupid dumb ass. its okay, this is part and parcel of life, i realised that after you had just told me and recap back what i have done for myself including my family. i started to change bit by bit. im ignoring my family who has been waited for my presence. i started to have nightmares about your problems i couldn't sleep well and that results to not having proper meals and im down with high fever and she who i've been ignoring is the one who fed me the medicine this morning. i didn't realised till nora my ex colleague told me i've lost weight. which i think is impossible cause the shorter my hair is the fatter i looked. why people noticed the change i'm bearing with while i can't ? apit, i still need your explainations but im sorry. i don't think i will be the shikin you've known who always cares about your life cause for all this while my care and concern you've ignored plus all the lies you've made and thanks for making me cry for no reasons at all. maybe im scared of losing you. " kawan, matair boleh cari. tapi ibu ayah dan adik susah nak diganti " i've nothing else to say. somebody please put a stopper at my eyes so that my tears wouldn't flow for another human called man. apit, do control your hot tempered and you're great friend i known. you're always my friend not more than that. i hope so. im still hurt cause never did once you cared about my feelings. you let your past haunt you and be a selfish person to other and im always the unlucky one. that's all i have to say.

ahh, holidays is on and so here is my first outing with my babies. went to ECP and cycled together as girlfriends. i so had so much fun with them and since syuu is planning the next outing . finger crossed. i hope the next outing menjadi. lol. im super tired and good luck for my evaluation test tommorow. hope i pass so i can take my btt test. amin.

and yes, finally holiday is on. *oh lambatnye shikin update* on the 11th dec was our last day of school. hip hip hooray. lol. and guess what, since syuu had her cut done and yes me and mira had our hair cut too. lol, so mira had her hair trim and curled (: and mine is bob and concaved style. im happy very happy and so mira. so all of us three had our hair cut in the same salon and we are a satisfied customer. two thumbs up. (:

our filming has all done and i admit i act so akward and sumpah i look buruk and super buruk. cikgu sendiri cakap i look like the kind of lady who could steal people's husband. masyaallah , okay, this is what im supposed to do. i was supposed to act like a foreigner and showing a sign of a taxi stand . i know its lame. but i can't stop laughing about all the funny moments we captured. a sure laugh i bet you. and now, edit is the only left thing to do. so phew ~ however there are some misunderstanding judge to deal with but it shall be a secret.

oh well, since net is not making a fuss, a long update shall i do *wink* continue with the wedding thingy, oh yes, after everything is settled amin syukur alhamdulillah. monday as per normal is school day and as usual on the every 7th of the month. so after school i syuu and mira went to esprit and bought my dream cargo pants which cost me $49.90 broke. i guess its a worth it value and plus ! its a last piece . so its my rezeki. (: and after that i guess you all you know from the picture. lol. we had pasta in pastamania in tampines mall and so all done for mira's craving (: okay, done for the pay thingy and the pastamania pictures STOLD from syuuwii.

" ive known you since im primary four, for which i still could remember the teacher name is mr agus. back then we are still a kid who knows nothing about life ahead. and i still remember that you always disturb me and seeking attention from me by throwing staples bullet and took away my stuffs. sit besides me and copy my answer. run around the class playing catching. we seperated therafter since we got different results. but still we share the same malay class lesson. and the playful part of you never fails to irritate me. aftermuch going through life in primary school we step ahead and went different secondary school and we lost contacts with many more friends. i could'nt remember how we could go through back and talk as per normal how we used to just as a friend or an old mate. but now i still can't believe that what we're going through, not as a friend but more than it. im speechless and puzzled, it keeps running through my mind whenever i saw you.i felt comfortable in your arms , warm in your palms and happy to see you smile. but this feelings which im now facing alone is tougher than what you think. i don't have the confidence that we could grow strong together since we're living in the same estate and your friends is my friends. and if it were to happens and become enemy the feelings is so akward adding on to the lies we hear or anything that could break us apart. secondly, for now im really happy that you're with me but i still sense some weird feelings that is not with us when im with my ex's.you have the charm and everything that a girl wants but i still want that sense which i don't get it from you. prolly the confidence in you? the feeling of wanting me by ur side? that something which is lacking. seriously im puzzled. whatever it is, i don't think we could make it to that step further. maybe we will but i can sense that it wouldn't be long. furthermore i don't feel the secureness with you. i know you're a good guy for most i know. and i hope you don't waste ur life with someone you're not sure with. final say, i need you but i couldn't love you for now. yes, i love you but the feelings is different. sad to say, i miss my ex. like who does'nt? whenever i step out of my workplace the 1st thing i would see is the place where he sit down and wait for me with his jebek face. maybe one day everthing is shown up and i prayed for the best. "