" ѕнιкιηzєє ♥ "

its a female

i'm SHIKIN.
15 JULY is my favourite day.
MR SUPERHUMAN is on the way.
and fcuk off to those who have NO interests in my heart!
& i'm

got it?

chatterbox

Saturday, February 27, 2010

i should have been asleep by this time but i couldn't, somehow i need to express this feelings. i don't know if what im saying about this is true to me or maybe hurtful to others. ive been silently keeping this feelings to myself and suffer within. i really need a break. i really need to go away, far from everyone far from all the feelings i keep. i know im being stupid and i am. till when this kind of feelings or thoughts must i encounter before i get the one i love most and he love me most? how long more and how many more roads for me to cross? why when i love the someone there will always something suddenly ruin it ? or maybe im the one who demand too much or hoping too much or been dreaming too much? did i? maybe i did till i suffer inside. no one knows the feelings. NO ONE. cut short from all the crap above, faizal texted me earlier just now when im having my break . he said he is going out w his ex family and aunt and all. with that stupid text i got from him ruin every minutes and seconds of my mood. i smoked 5 ciggs within one shot and soon after i vomit. duuhh, my stomach is full of air. pain. i felt so upset. really am but i can't let it out if not i'll be crying so i hid my tears and swallow every ego i had and PRETEND nothing happens. i know im NOTHING in his life, yes to the past few weeks of knowing each other but not now. not anymore, he don't even care where im going and he thinks that i don't even exist maybe? aftermuch thoughts, im wondering why im still hoping and stupidly loving him in silence? i met taufiq after work and he send me home since we don't know where to go.no aim, so we just hang around my block area and ate macdonalds. we wanted to talk something important but i can't react to it. i can't think ,i can't put my feelings for that talk. because when i see him, i wanted to cry. why must an innocence party who really fond of me get that kind of respond.i know deeply he love me or like me but i can't. i don't want to love him just because i wanted to get rid of this feelings i had for faizal and by accepting him "i can forget faizal" . NO WAY! i don't want anyone to be hurt by my actions or by my words. i want it to go away slowly painfully by myself. no people involved. just me and my stupid feelings. i hope you really understand. sincerely with my heart i tell you this, i tried to love you i tried my best but he came before you show that you love me. besides, you are still in new in ns and there's still much things to go through in that 2 yrs time of your service. enough of the past 10 months ive been with an NS guy. I don't want history to repeat itself. and anyway, i believe that there's always someone out there loves you more than me. the situation is like now. shikin,faizal,taufiq. SHIKIN LOVE FAIZAL. TAUFIQ LOVE SHIKIN. FAIZAL NO FEELINGS FOR SHIKIN. SHIKIN DON'T WANT TO LOVE TAUFIQ due to fear of sympathy love. Im in taufiq shoes. so that's why i understand and i don't want you to be hurt by me. so before things get way out of control and more people are being hurt , i want to get some time alone for now. i really need a knock at my head . like, "hello! is there any answers to this kind of mixed feelings" any solutions? ergh, it actually begins with me. ya allah ! it started from me so i must end it by me. period.